A young man walked into my counseling office and said: “I’m going to a yeshiva in Jerusalem soon, and I’m afraid to tell my parents. They’ll go ballistic. Help!”
Yitzhak, as he now calls himself (names and identifying details of clients have been changed to protect their confidentiality), had become more and more frum (religious) since returning from a trip to Israel two years ago. His gradual adoption of the religious practices of his great-grandparents was increasingly threatening to his secular family. And, he hadn’t even been telling family members the full extent of his growing commitment.
He felt caught between two worlds in the Boston area. There were too many friends, too many temptations: to eat non-kosher, to break Sabbath restrictions. It was proving difficult to explain his behavior to family and friends when he had his own inner doubts. He decided to go to Jerusalem to immerse himself in the haredi world to test the strength of his commitment within a community that would understand and value his spiritual transformation.
He sought therapy encouraged by his parents, who paid the bills. They apparently hoped that a professional could talk their son out of his “aberrant” behavior. There is never a typical course of therapy, and in this case, the resolution was unusual in that the immediate problem was solved relatively quickly, in less than two months. With support, Yitzhak was able to get in touch with, and act upon his deeply held values, which enabled him to tell his family the truth. Much to his surprise and delight, when he did so, they accepted it with (relative) equanimity.
Yitzhak is part of a burgeoning movement of (mostly) young people who are returning to Orthodoxy. These ba’alei teshuva (those who choose to become Orthodox) often start on their path when they are recruited at the Western Wall in Jerusalem, or by contact in the United States with those doing kiruv (religious outreach). Often the first step is an invitation to a Sabbath meal with an Orthodox family. There, the young man or woman may have a powerful encounter with a world of connection, devotion, and peace (despite, or maybe partially because of, all the kids running around). He or she often finds that these people, seemingly so homogeneous at first glance, are actually differentiated individuals who can be intelligent, well informed about the secular world, warm, and full of life.
Frequently, the reactions are dramatic when a young man announces to his family that he has become a ba’al teshuva, or when a young woman announces she has become a ba’alat teshuva. There may be: shock (“Oh my God, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to us!”); denial (“You’re just going through another of your phases”); anger (“How dare you do this to your mother!”); rejection (“Fine, stay in Israel with your rabbis, we don’t care, just don’t ask for any money from us!”); bargaining (“We’ll buy you that Jeep you’ve always wanted, if you’ll just give up this crazy religious stuff”); and judgments flying back and forth (“You’ve lost your mind!” “You and Dad aren’t even Jewish, you don’t follow Torah!”).
All this and lots more can last for weeks, months, or even a lifetime. Things get better, then worse at times of crisis. And there is great potential for crises. To pick one common example, let’s say the ba’al teshuva’s brother has a Bar Mitzvah coming up. Often, the ba’al teshuva can’t (or won’t) enter a Reform synagogue because his rabbis say it’s forbidden. The family is outraged, their Judaism, the very core of their identity, is being dismissed as worthless. And, even if the ba’al teshuva were to come, the family may be ambivalent about the whole community seeing their son in black hat and payes.
Less dramatic are the everyday conflicts, often around food. “What, you won’t eat my shrimp salad? You love it!” Or, “Nana says you won’t eat anything she cooks anymore, you might as well twist a knife in her, you’re breaking her heart!”
The worst is yet to come. Inevitably, ba’alei teshuva will get married. And the wedding will probably be like nothing the family had ever imagined. The groom’s family may even ask for a dowry. One Reform family was so flabbergasted that they had no idea how to reply. They consulted with their rabbi, who told them to stand firm, to say politely that their daughter is such a treasure that she is the dowry.
There are many reasons for becoming ba’alei teshuva: spiritual transformation; the deep satisfaction of absolute certainty once the Torah is accepted as God’s word; an antidote to alienation in becoming part of a community of like souls; and having his or her essential nature as a Jew validated in a way never experienced before.
It’s not easy on either side—for parents, siblings, and friends, loving and respecting the ba’al or ba’alat teshuva demands eventual acceptance of his or her choice. And for the ba’alei teshuva, fervent with desire to convince parents, siblings and friends to join the frum world—they also must eventually accept the choices of their loved ones.
